The Sachsgate Affair - The transcript

[Speaking on Andrew Sachs' answerphone]

Russell Brand: Hello Andrew Sachs, this is Russell Brand … you are meant to be on my show now mate … I am here with Jonathan Ross. I could still do the interview to your answerphone.

Jonathan Ross: Let's do it …

Brand: Man … er, Andrew Sachs.

Ross: Don't call him Manuel, that's really bad manners. I apologise for Russell - he's an idiot.

Brand: I said Andrew Sachs! Look Andrew Sachs I have got respect for you and your lineage and your progeny, never let that be questioned.

Ross: Don't hint …

Brand: I weren't hinting! Why did that come across as a hint?

Ross: Because you know what you did…

Brand: That wasn't a hint …

Ross: He fucked your granddaughter!

[laughter in the studio]

Brand: That's his answerphone!

Ross: I'm sorry … I apologise Andrew, I apologise, I can't help it, you were talking about it and it was in my head, I apologise.

Brand: Jonathan!

Ross: I got excited, what can I say, it just came out.

Brand: Right. you wait till I come on your show. Andrew Sachs I did not do nothing with Georgina … oh no, I revealed I know her name! Oh no, it's a disaster! Abort, abort! Put the phone down, put the phone down, code red, code red! I'm sorry Mr Fawlty, I'm sorry. You're a waste of space! Oh no, Jonathan …

Ross: Why did you tell me? I forgot. You mentioned her and then it was in my head and then it came out.

Brand: I know you can't be blamed for this … It's too much for you …

Ross: He is the poor man at home sobbing over his answer machine.

Brand: What's going to happen? I will get a call now from the satanic sluts.

Ross: If he is like most people of a certain age he has probably got a picture of his grandchildren when they were young and innocent right by the phone. So while he is listening to the message he is looking at a picture of her when she was about nine on a swing …

Brand: She was on a swing when I met her … let's ring back Andrew Sachs.

[They call for a second time]

Ross: Hello! Manuel here!

Sachs: [his answer machine message] Sorry I can't answer at the moment …

Brand: [interrupting] … I am too busy thinking about killing myself … Andrew, this is Russell Brand. I am so sorry about the last message - it was part of the radio show, it was a mistake … The truth is I am phoning you to ask if I can marry - that's right, marry - Georgina the granddaughter.

Ross: And I would like to be a page boy.

Brand: He wants to be a page boy, we are going to have a Fawlty Towers-themed wedding.

Ross: Now you've spoilt it!

Brand: No! I made it better. I'm sorry, I'll do anything. I wore a condom. Put the phone down! Oh what's going to happen. Look I've got a mental illness. Do you think that made it better?

Ross: You will never become king rat in the Variety Club now.

Brand: Oh no, that's over for me now … Jonathan I think we've made the situation worse ... We've got to stop upsetting Manuel. This time Jonathan I'm convinced we can make it better.

Ross: Let's just sing to him.

Brand: I'll make up something as I go along…

[Third message]

Brand: [singing…] I'd like to apologise for the terrible attacks, Andrew Sachs, I would like to show contrition to the max, Andrew Sachs. I would like to create world peace, between the yellow, white and blacks, Andrew Sachs, Andrew Sachs. I said something I didn't have oughta, like I had sex with your granddaughter. But it was consensual and she wasn't menstrual, it was consensual lovely sex. It was full of respect I sent her a text, I've asked her to marry me, Andrew Sachs …

Ross: This has made it worse, you have trivialised the whole incident.

Brand: Hang up, hang up! It's trivialised it!

Ross: You know there is one way we could possibly make it better …

Brand: We can keep ringing, and even after the show's finished, kick his front door in and scream apologies into his bottom.

Ross: Hello, Manuel is not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone…

[Fourth message]

Brand: I am sorry, I am so sorry … that I had a difficult life, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry Andrew. Let's just take some time together, we can meet up.

Ross: You're making it worse, just say sorry.

Brand: Jonathan Ross is sorry as well, it was his idea … Sorry about everything that's ever happened …

[Later]

Brand: No one could have been offended by anything that went on in that show.

Ross: Who could possibly be offended by anything there? If they were they are crazy people.

Brand: If Andrew Sachs listens to his answerphone message when he gets it …

Ross: The saving grace is you didn't have anything to do with his granddaughter did you?

Brand: Oh actually I did, I slept with her, but it was ultimately undermined, not undermined, underlined with love …