Saturday 18 April 2009

Rowan Atkinson: The SchoolmaSster Sketch - Script

(Atkinson takes the stage alone, dressed as an old-fashioned schoolmaster) Right. Quiet. (He reads list as if taking morning register)

Ainsley. Babcock. Bland. Carthorse. Dint. Ellsworth-Beast Major. Ellsworth-Beast Minor. Fiat. German. Hemoglobin. Have-a-nut. Jones, M. Jones, N. Kossigan. Loud-Haylark. Mattock. Nancyboy-Possum. Nibble. Come on, settle down. Orifice. Plectrum. Poinse. Sediment. Soda. Te. Te? Under-manager.
Zob. Absent.

(He sighs) All right, your essays. Discuss the contention that Cleopatra had the body of a roll-top desk and the mind of a duck. Oxford and Cambridge board all over paper, 1976. Don't fidget, Bland.

The answer: yes. Jones, M; Orifice; Sediment and Undermanager, see me afterwards. Most of you of course didn't write nearly enough. Dint, your answer was unreadable.

Put it away, Plectrum! If I see it once more this period, Plectrum, I shall have to tweak you. Do you have a solicitor, Plectrum? You're lying, so I shall tweak you anyway. See me afterwards to be tweaked. Yes, isn't life tragic! Don't sulk, boy, for God's sake. Has matron seen those boils? Horrid little twerp.

Bland, German, Nancyboy, Potter, Undermanager: cribbing. Undermanager: answer upside down. Do you do it deliberately, Undermanager? You're a moron. A carbuncle on the backside of humanity.

Don't snigger, Babcock! It's not funny. Antony and Cleopatra is not a funny play. If Shakespeare had meant it to be funny, he would have put a joke in it. There is no joke in Antony and Cleopatra, you'd know that if you'd read it, wouldn't you, Babcock? Pest!

What play of Shakespeare's does have a joke in it? Anyone? The Comedy of Errors, for God's sake! The Comedy of Errors has the joke of two people looking like each other. Twice. It's not that funny, German. And the other Shakespearean joke is? Nibble? NIBBLE! Leave Orifice alone! What a lot.

Right, for the rest of this period you will write about Eanabobbis. Undermanager, just try and write Eanabobbis. Usual conditions, no conferring, no eating, no cheating, no looking out of windows, no slang, no slide rules. Use ink only, via a nib, if possible. You may use dividers, but not on each other.

Kossigan, you're in charge.

Rowan Atkinson: The Schoolmaster Sketch - Video

Saturday 11 April 2009

Divining you Future by Numbeology.

Step One. Take the date you want to analyse: 17/11/08
Step Two. Add the numbers together: 1+7+1+1+0+8=18
Step Three. Add the numbers of the result together: 1+8=9. (If necessary continue Step Three until a single figure is achieved.)
Step Four. Refer to the number chart below.

1.You are refused a loan, become a devout Buddhist and subsequently die of malnutrition under a bo tree.
2.You fall through a wormhole and emerge on a small planet in an adjacent universe where you are worshipped as a god.
3. A goatherd in Gondwanaland sees your face in a dream and gives up eating cheese before going to bed.
4. You discover the secret of time travel.
5. You develop an eating disorder, grow another head and appear as a contestant on Big Brother.
6. You encounter a rain of shrimps.
7. You fall off the edge of the world.
8. You discover the lost city of Atlantis.
9. A close friend suggests an interesting diversion with a falabella, a marigold and an ounce of snuff. You refuse.
10. You are abducted by aliens, but have no recollection afterwards.

Saturday 4 April 2009

Real doctor's notes - Amazing

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as dictated by physicians.

  • The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
  • Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  • Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
  • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
  • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
  • Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • The patient refused an autopsy.
  • The patient has no past history of suicides.
  • The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
  • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
  • The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  • The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  • Large brown stool ambulating the hall.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities